Satu bulan terakhir ini saya bergumul dengan perasaan envy and feeling behind in life. Di tulisan saya sebelumnya, saya share kalau saya applied for a supervisor position at work, progressed all the way to the second interview, sampai tinggal saya dan satu kandidat lain, namun saya tidak terpilih akhirnya.
Saat menerima berita itu, saya kecewa tapi juga relieved. Relieve karena akhirnya saya bisa kembali ke hidup normal. My life is full of pressure and expectation selama acting Supervisor beberapa bulan ini, saya merasa beban satu dunia ada di pundak saya! And it was tiring, mentally and physically.
Perasaan damai sejahtera yang saya rasakan mulai terusik ketika Senior Manager saya announce dua hal di kantor. Yang pertama, colleague saya dari tim lain yang juga sedang menjalani Acting Supervisor, was directly appointed to be the Supervisor for that team. No interview whatsoever.
My heart boiled when I heard the news. Enak sekali dia bisa langsung terpilih tanpa harus susah-susah interview. Kalau alasan dia terpilih karena dia sangat kompeten, saya bisa menerima. Namun ini alasannya karena tidak ada orang lain di tim itu yang strong contender. Di pikiran saya, what a lame excuse. This is all office political game…
Announcement kedua dari Senior Manager saya adalah siapa orang yang dia pilih untuk menjadi Supervisor tim saya. He shared the name and the profile to the wider team. As soon as the profile is shared, I quickly stalked this person on Linkedin. She is a female around my age. Have to admit, her profile on paper is impressive. Jujur hati saya tenang, I have a good feeling my Team will be in her good hands.
But I can’t help myself to think, orang ini seusia saya sudah bisa jadi Supervisor. Sedangkan saya belum. And that hurts. Saya jadi mempertanyakan seluruh jejak corporate career saya. Have I not pursued my career enough all this time? Is there anything I should have done better in the past? Am I falling behind?
You see, envy is a dangerous feeling. When we envy, we fail to be thankful for our own blessings. Saya lupa kalau dua tahun lalu pekerjaan ini adalah jawaban dari doa saya. Envy steals your joy and makes you miserable. The book of Proverb says: “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” (Proverbs 14:30).
I am still dealing with this problem of envy today. I am still learning to find my contentment in Christ and be thankful for the gifts God has given me. Paul wrote in Phillippians: “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” (Phil 4:12-13).
I may feel so far behind everyone else but the truth is I am exactly where I needed to be – in God’s will. I don’t need to look back and dwell on what could’ve been. I need to look up and ahead, fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my life. In God, I am not lost, I am redirected. I am not failing, I am learning. I am not behind, I am being prepared (for something greater). God has more in store for me than what I’ve given Him credit for.
Psalm 27:13-14 “I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”
God Bless,
(AS)
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